AP exams are done, so doodles are starting up again. But with doodles come more ramblings from a disillusioned teenager.
Over the past two weeks of exams, I reflected on my priorities and found that this year felt like a survival game more than a thriving game.
I took on more commitments than I should have and probably felt miserable more days of the school year than it was worth. The only benefit is the pressure it created on me: I either break or I find a way to manage everything.
I’m here, so evidently, I managed it.
I learned to work more efficiently. I bring my laptop to school to get things done. I used lunch period and my free class period to finish online homework. And yet, there just was not enough time to do everything right. I wish I could have spent more time speaking Spanish and I wish I could have spent more time learning to code properly. And maybe my ears would be better at picking up music during our melodic dictation sessions if I took the time to experiment with my piano.
I pulled off good grades, rarely angered my club advisers, slept decently, and yet I feel like I just barely survived–
There was just not enough motivation. My priority changed from learning to completing my to-do list. It got to the point where I just felt exhausted from doing paperwork tasks like typing meeting minutes, ordering something online, financial aid applications, or dare I say it, college applications.
So when I finished my exam on Thursday, a heavy weight had been lifted. A smile on my face came easier. I felt happier to see people. And on Friday, when our last Spanish assignment was turned in, and when I took home my artwork from class, the unraveled threads were raveling back together again. Everything became whole.
I realized the problem. It was not the time management. It was the motivation and the corners I was forced to cut as I made decisions. It was always feeling as though there was something to be done. It was not being able to spend more time on things that I cared about because there were other things that “needed” to be done.
—
Things are winding down. I finally made time to revisit one of my favorite animated series of all time:
Prince Zuko: Stop it, Uncle. I have to do this.
Uncle Iroh: I’m begging you, Prince Zuko! It’s time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions. Who are you and what do you want?
Who am I?
I am a workaholic and a procrastinator, or really, a pseudowork-aholic and a deep procrastinator. I am a flawed, obnoxious human being.
What do I want?
To keep drawing, to keep writing, to someday conduct research in engineering/physics, to be healthier, to learn different languages, to spend time with family and friends, to meet interesting people, and most importantly, to become a better person.
Not much else really matters.
Not sure if I like the doodles by themselves or if I like them posing with my watercolor brushes and pens.
The Doodler Process 